I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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