what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
