So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
