either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Pants are for mortals
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
