She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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