I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Two words: nipple clamps
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