you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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