It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
