The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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