i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
