i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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