I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
