He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
