mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
