Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
