I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
