He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
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I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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