They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
