barbara walters just said penis...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
