You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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