I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
