this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
