I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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