my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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