I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
