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The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
