drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
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Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
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I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.