AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
