you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
