and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's rum buckets o'clock
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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