I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
