I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
