dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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