theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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