Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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