i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
