I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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