They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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