No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
