Tell her she can't have a vagina
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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