I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
