sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
