I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
