Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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