shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
