if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
