Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
