i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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