I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
