My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
