God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
