when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
His hands were made for my vagina.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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