so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
