that's an acceptable place to lick
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
