I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
