you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
